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A little under 4 months after my divorce from Tanya I married Olya M. To make the history more understandable, I will use Olya V to refer to my 2nd wife, and Olya M to refer to my 4th wife. The fact that I married so quickly to Olya M, a Baha’i, seems strange to me. What was the rush? I think my life with Tanya was so untypical and so out of sync with my life goals and ambitions that I needed to find my way back to my true self. And there was Olya M in the Baha’i community. There are many good things about Olya M. So I saw her as a partner that fit my life’s orientation. But, as we shall see, we rushed to marry and forgot to think of other important, more practical, aspects about marriage and living together.
There was not a “year of patience” after Tanya. I can’t remember the reason why, but perhaps it was because Tanya was not Baha’i, and she didn’t follow Baha’i law and therefore the year of patience was not applicable.
From 1970 to the present, starting with Colleen, I had a dream and a vision for my life. In this dream there was a partner, a soul mate, someone with an overlaping dream. Living alone has never been good for me. Like a horse, I am not comfortable alone with no other horses around. I need social contact with a compatible person, otherwise I am not at peace. And I need people to actualize my love and give it form.
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The picture above was taken in Odessa in August 2006. She was working as an au pair. I was just waiting for my project to finish and to sign the divorce document with Tanya and for Tanya to move back to her flat. I didn’t want to risk the project and create a scene at the office with people we both knew. The marriage to Tanya officially lasted a few days less than one year. But in fact, it lasted only 6-8 months. When I visited Olya in the summer of 2006 the marriage with Tanya had been over for a couple of months.
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The marriage took place at the National Baha’i Centre (see below). When I look at the pictures, the daughters stand out for me. I love both of them, and I pray that I played (and still play) some role in their lives. I liked to joke with Natasha that divorce is between the parents. Daughters (even step daughters) are always daughters. We looked happy at the wedding, with the exception of Olya’s mother. Two significant incidents took place. One was related to me by a close friend, about a conversation he had with a close friend to Olya M. After the ceremony, they watched the social part with dancing, and reflected a bit on the evening, and one said to the other: “Did you see the way that Olya was talking to Gary?” “Yes, I did” “Doesn’t she understand that she can’t talk that way to him?” The comment is not against Olya, it is in relation to the cultural differences between us. She was just talking in ways that are culturally the norm in Ukraine. And, there is a big difference in culture between Ukraine and California.
The second story concerns the wishes given by Olya’s father (see the picture). I don’t know why, but he talked about money and warned Olya to be careful. In fact, it turns out the warning was important. I really liked Olya’s dad, he loved yoga, and was seriously committed to the life of a yogi. He lived separately from his wife, and would wake up early to practice yoga every day. In fact, I loved and love all of Olya’s family.
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So, after Tanya, when my project ended, we signed the divorce papers and separated. The day following the finalization of my divorce from Tanya, I took a train to Moscow to see Marta. I needed to re-establish a normal relationship with Olya. For months there was a war going on between Tanya and Olya, and all I could do was be patient. I heard about activities from Olya V, not Tanya. Tanya without my knowledge, had harassed Olya doing all kinds of childish and unpleasant things. For example, pretending to be Olya V and setting up meetings with available men. So I wanted to re-establish trust with Olya V and to strengthen ties to Marta.
The picture on the left was a visit with Olya M during this period. Marta didn’t immediately accept Olya, and often did not want her help. She would turn to me instead, and this created some tension. Marta was very difficult at this age, and was very strongly attached to me. She would follow me like a shadow, even into the toilet. Once in the metro, I decided to play and ride a parallel escalator. She went with Olya. The screaming could be heard above the sound of the trains. Marta was not happy with that game.
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I knew Olya for years prior to our marriage as members in the Baha’i community. The first time I met her, I’m guessing around 2000 or 2001, there was a conference in Zhitomyr and I was an invited speaker from Russia. The organizing committee arranged for me to sleep at Olya’s flat. It was at this time I met her two children, Tanya and Natasha. Natasha remembers this meeting well. Then at the end of 2003 I moved to Kyiv, and Olya living at the National Baha’i Centre. She had moved from Zhitomyr and bought a small flat in Kyiv where her daughters were living. I must have seen her from time to time at Baha’i meetings, but there was little contact until 2006. I surely saw her in the Baha’i community but I was mostly busy with my project and my life with Tanya. So how did I decide to meet her in Odessa? Perhaps because she was a Baha’i, because she was single, and because I needed to find my way back to the Baha’i community? The picture on the right is a new year’s part with Olya’s best friend. The best friend understandably sided with Olya during the divorce, and never forgave me to this day. I think Olya filled her head with stories (i.e., backbiting) and I didn’t respond. In fact, I had stories too. I just didn’t share them.
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After Marta was born I was living in a different country– Ukraine. So see her I had to travel to Moscow or Olya had to travel to Kyiv. When she was very young, traveling without her mother was not an option, and Olya would not give her permission for me to take Marta to Kyiv for visits. Olya agreed 2-3 times to visit Kyiv with Marta, during the year of patience and before the final decisions to divorce. The pictures on the right are when Marta was about 2-3 months.
The Baha’i community of Moscow, more specifically the NSA, instead of helping Olya and me, did nothing. In fact, they did less than nothing. We were both LSA members (and had resigned from the NSA because I moved to Ukraine), and the NSA took away from the LSA (people who would be helpful) and assumed responsibilty itself.
The divorce with Olya was not a foregone conclusion. We could have stayed together. Our relationship has been rough for a few years, and we were seeing an excellent marriage counsellor and Baha’i friend. In fact, it was with his advise that we decided to try for Marta. We needed a renewal and a shift to a new paradigm. Our money was running out, Olya refused to work (she said there was no sense in it, because of the low Russian salaries), and so I looked for a contract out of Russia. During this period, we became estranged. Finally estrangement lead to divorce, and again divorce, and then there was Olya M and once again I was finding hope.
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My visits to Moscow to be with Marta were difficult. When I visited, before Olya’s relationship and marriage to Boris, Olya was angry (and afraid) and she would leave the flat during my visits. After Boris came into the picture, it was even more awkward, as Boris obviously didn’t like my visits, and the situation in Moscow was not at all friendly. I hated going to Moscow, living in my old flat. I would return from Moscow tired and depressed. I was committed to being a father to Marta despite the distance and the divorce. Olya never encouraged me, and in fact, made it clear that a father was not a requirement. Not being Russian, I didn’t understand at the time that this was the cultural norm. Divorced fathers, more often than not, broke all ties with the ex-wife and child. I was an anomaly in this context.
So my life included Marta, but I really needed Marta in Kyiv and not in Moscow. I have always believed that I cannot be a father when the children don’t live with me, don’t see my day-to-day life, don’t interact with me about common things, and don’t receive my care, don’t have to deal with my desire to see them develop into well-adjusted, responsible, spirtiually alive human beings. So for the first years, my goal was to find agreement with Olya so that Marta could live part-time with me. However, up until 1 September 2006, the era of Tanya, this was fully impossible. Tanya could not accept a husband that was committed to a child from a previous marriage. So she attacked me on every occassion with regards to Marta– and attacked is not a hyperbole. Because I was committed to Marta, in the eyes of Tanya I was still sleeping with my ex-wife, and any resources that went to Marta were seen to be support to my ex-wife. This was never true. And, although rarely discussed, Tanya was thinking about a child, and she needed to make sure that her child was the only child in her life. My insistance that Marta would be included in the family was rejected. I learned over time that this was also a cultural norm in both Russia and Ukraine and so I became a double anomaly.
So, with divorce from Tanya, and a new marriage with Olya M who was happy to be a step-mother to Marta, I was able to regain Olya’s trust. One year was required to prove to Olya V that I could be trusted. Her friends advised her to never give me Marta, because I would kidnap her and take her to the States. Without Tanya, I could convience her that this was total nonsense. Children need mothers and fathers. Both are needed and I believe we are talking about biological parents, not step-parents. So this was a goal and Olya helped me to obtain Olya’s agreement to take Marta to Kyiv and live with me from time to time. The pictures below are during spring 2004 in Moscow and Abramovskoye.
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With Olya M, I convinced Olya V (Marta’s mother) to let Marta spend time with us in Kyiv. The pictures on the right are August 2007, Marta is a few months less than 4 years.
When Marta was visiting Kyiv, I couldn’t find any unity with Olya. Olya was a school teacher, but even so, I hired another teacher to meet with Marta.
During all the time I was married to Olya, a Baha’i woman (Nina) took care of the flat.
On a number of occassions, we could not find agreement and we separated. Olya went back to live with the children in her Kyiv flat. We had a marriage counsellor and tried to find a solution…. but after working to create a plan with the marriage counsellor, Olya said she wouldn’t follow the plan. There was nowhere to go from there.
After one year of marriage, a final separation took place. We started to live apart. Olya lost a lot of weight and wanted to show the Baha’is community how she had been abandoned. She really did not look good. One night we met for a chat in a coffee shop, and we ended up at home to make love. Olya told the NSA about this episode, and even some stories about me that were not true (it doesn’t mean she lied, but they were not true), and the decision to start the year of patience was delayed 6 months, to June 2008 I think. After that, we had a lot of problems to sign the divorce papers, and it wasn’t final until the end of 2009.
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Why did this short marriage happen? Did anything good become of it? I think the answer is yes. Most of the benefit of this marriage was for the children, all of them: Marta, Tanya, and Natasha. Perhaps also it changed Olya and helped her in her next marriage.
– some stories that need telling to finish the section
Discussions about Natasha’s university, and in general interactions with her
Tanya’s health issue that could have left her childless
My idea to send everyone on pilgrimmage, and Tanya becoming Baha’i.
More about Marta’s life in Kyiv at this time
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